The sound pierced my ears. Beep. Beep. The school bell rings, signalling an end to a prolonged and humdrum day. All that was left was a journey across the treacherous school yard. Dodge the pigeons that lay mounted on top of the maths building waiting to strike, without spraining your ankle on the pot holes that lay like mines in a battlefield first and you inch closer to the place precious the most, Home.
Still, a perilous and tiresome mission lay ahead. As the bright blue sky beckoned me on I took one small step out the steel cage that had incarcerated me for the last 6 hours and into the world of freedom. A land where you can play clash of clans whenever you feel like, without being gazed upon like eagles by the prison officers, or “teachers” as they like to call themselves. Now safely outside the school gates, a short walk to the bus stop and a 30 min bus journey had separated me and paradise.
Sitting comfortably on the top deck of the bus, surrounded by a stench of afternoon B.O and 48 hours old chicken and chips, I began counting the number of bus stops left. As the minutes ticked away and the old tramp has had his usual rant, I finally heard the familiar sound that poured joy into my heart.
“Crawly Road”
I leapt from the seat, did the whole flight of stairs in two simultaneous jumps and boom. I was out. Welcomed by the row of pine corns that illuminated the street. I strolled down the street, turned right into the front porch that was littered with sunflowers and slotted in the keys to paradise. Aha. Home sweet home. Quick salutations to the parents and a date with the games console awaited. The transmission from school clothes to comfy tracksuit had always been quick, this usually involved a 10-minute lecture from mum, about how the staircase railing was not a wardrobe.
Just as I prepared to sooth the pain of having six assignments due with a dose of PlayStation, I realised I had forgotten something. My phone. I frantically searched my school clothes in hope of feeling a square like object. But nothing. All that was there was a piece of gum and a spare button. I called the school in desperate hopes of them fading my phone and just as I was giving up all hope the secretary had told me the caretaker had handed in a phone similar to mind earlier this morning. It was music to my ears. However, the idea of waiting a whole weekend until I would be reunited with my prized possession was out of the question. there was only one thing to do.
I had never been to school after hours, well never been there out of my own free will anyway. The school looked different at this time of day. The darkness covered the cracks the battle hardened school wore. I saw it in a new light. For a moment I admired the late 19th-century artwork, it was truly a masterpiece. The roof fitted like a missing piece of the jigsaw and the lights underneath that blazed upon the building gave it a look of importance. I shook my self-clean of the temporary stupefaction and headed towards the school doors.
As I walked in the darkness covered my eyes like a blanket. The reception was normally lit with illuminating lights and camouflaged in Navy banners. I made a few hesitant steps towards the corridors and thanked the lord when the sensor lights came on. I gave my eyes a few seconds to adapt to its new environment and I set out looking for the secretary.
The playground was uninhabited, it looked as its life had been sucked by a dominator. It gave me a cold chill down the spine, I had never seen the playground without energetic teenagers effortless floating around and causing their usual mischief. However, the flood lights did allow me to see the state it was in. in daylight it appeared to be ridden with potholes and other safety hazards. However when giving it a further inspection I saw a smooth, wood-like surface reflecting the light. My curiosity came over me and I decided to investigate more. Just as I made my way through the corridor full of mouldy lockers and food remains I turned to see the secretary standing right behind me. In shock, I jumped a couple of spaces. But what came next was even more unusual. Without a word, I was handed my phone and politely gestured back towards the reception. As if the secretary had understood my intentions and quickly swept in to stop me.
As I left the school you thought of the playground soon evaporated in my mind. I had my phone and that was all that mattered.
April 6, 2015 at 10:29 pm
Your first paragraph contains some string imagery that compares the playground to a battleground. I like it.
This has the potential to be your stronger creative writing piece – the voice is entirely your own, as are the descriptions. Please develop this.
Targets
1) The task title was ‘Now and Then’ – you were asked to describe one place at two separate times of day – where is the other time.
2) ‘The sound pierced my ears. Beep. Beep. Beep. As yet again the school bell rings’ – Look at your first sentence – it is written in two separate tenses. Choose one tense and then make it consistent throughout.
3) Look at your last sentence: ‘an eerily voice responded’ Here, eerily is an adverb – it is used to describe a verb – your words are in the wrong order for this sentence to make sense.
These two examples I have drawn out make your biggest target is proof reading. Read your work aloud and correct it where needed to ensure that your work communicates your meaning clearly.
4) Be strict with paragraph length.