Albert strolled around the patio multiple times. He was contemplating on whether to report his finding. After all it’s not every day you find an unknown green residue slithering around your car. He decided to leave the matter and headed towards the front door.
He turned the handle, his brain releasing a little squirt of dopamine at the familiar sound of the coming relaxation, and waited on the next of the two sounds he heard every day at 6:30: Pebble banging against the door.
There was no banging, though. No panting, either. Nothing at all to signify to dog even knew he was there. After a decade of driveway-key-door-dog, it was obvious to notice the silence. He shouldered the door open, failing to compensate for Scruff’s missing weight, and stumbled over the threshold. More silence.
“Albert?”
There was a sound he noticed. He hadn’t seen Maria’s car when he pulled in, it was hard to miss a bright pink range rover in your driveway.
“It’s me,” he said, making his way slowly towards the back of the small house they shared. “How are you?”
“Good.” Maria’s voice allowed him to sigh of relief. The missing dog still nagged at him. “Where’s Pebble?”
“Down here,” Linda said. “He followed me downstairs to do the laundry.”
Albert froze with his hand an inch away from the doorknob. Pebble never went downstairs, ever since he had that fright with the neighbour’s pet snake. Thinking about it, Maria never did either, at least not since—
Not since they moved the washing machine upstairs.
“Maria? Are you alright?”
“Yes.” Her response was quick and sounded as if it has been automated.
“Are you sure baby?”
“Yes, hon.” A little softer this time, but still not right.
Albert eased his hand toward the doorknob.
“Are you going to come down and help me or not Albert Granola?” Her voice sounded stern this time, definitely sounded like Maria.
“I have a lot of cl— stuff to carry, and I can’t get to the door.”
You’re being stupid!
The voice in his head was full of contempt, but he couldn’t shake his fear. Had she just not noticed what she’d said? What else would she be carrying? Since the washing machine was relocated quite some time ago.
“Honey?”
The irritation of having to ask a third time certainly sounded normal. Albert turned the knob and opened the door.
He didn’t have enough time to see exactly what waited on him, but it wasn’t Maria. It absolutely was not Maria.
January 10, 2015 at 12:50 pm
Anas,
I like the tone of your piece. For the most part, it flows well. Your use of dialogue helps to move the story forward and you often use complex sentence structure to help develop details.
Target:
Look at this sentence – ‘He was contemplating on whether to report his finding.’ This read ‘He was contemplating whether to report his findings.’ – Check your use of prepositions and your use of tenses. Have a second read through and proof – read, are there words missing and is your meaning clear? Pay attention to your third paragraph.