Albert strolled around the patio multiple times. He was contemplating whether to report his finding. After all, it’s not every day you find an unknown green residue slithering around your car. what was even more concerning was the metallic odor it was releasing. the smell overwhelmed his nostrils and forced him to make an escape towards the front porch.
He turned the handle, his brain releasing a little squirt of dopamine at the familiar sound of the coming relaxation, and waited for the next of the two sounds he heard every day at 6:30: Pebble banging against the door.Pebble was Albert’s most beloved possession, well he made sure maria didn’t know about that. Thinking about his wife Maria he wondered where she was. Her illuminating pink range rover was parked outside, but there was no sign of life inside the house.
As Albert slowly opened the door here was no banging. No panting, either. Nothing at all to signify to the dog even knew he was there. After a decade of driveway-key-door-dog, it was obvious to notice the silence. He shouldered the door open, failing to compensate for Pebble’s missing weight, and stumbled over the threshold. More silence.
“Albert?”
There was a sound he noticed. He hadn’t seen Maria’s car when he pulled in, it was hard to miss a bright pink range rover in your driveway.
“It’s me,” he said, making his way slowly towards the back of the small house they shared. “How are you?”
“Good.” Maria’s voice allowed him to sigh of relief. The missing dog still nagged at him. “Where’s Pebble?”
“Down here,” Linda said. “He followed me downstairs to do the laundry.”
Albert froze with his hand an inch away from the doorknob. Pebble never went downstairs. Ever since the dog’s encounter with the neighbours pet snake it made sure to stay well clear of the basement. Thinking about it, Maria never did either, at least not since—
Not since they moved the washing machine upstairs.
“Maria? Are you alright?”
“Yes.” Her response was quick and sounded as if it has been automated.
“Are you sure baby?”
“Yes, hon.” A little softer this time, but still not right.
Albert eased his hand toward the doorknob.
“Are you going to come down and help me or not Albert Granola?” Her voice sounded stern this time, definitely sounded like Maria.
“I have a lot of cl— stuff to carry, and I can’t get to the door.”
You’re being stupid!
The voice in his head was full of contempt, but he couldn’t shake his fear. Had she just not noticed what she’d said? What else would she be carrying? Since the washing machine was relocated quite some time ago.
“Honey?”
The irritation of having to ask a third time certainly sounded normal. Albert turned the knob and opened the door.
He didn’t have enough time to see exactly what waited on him, but it wasn’t Maria. It absolutely was not Maria.
April 6, 2015 at 10:17 pm
For the most part, this draws on a voice like Douglas Adams’ – he wrote the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The rhythm of the piece works and builds up to draw upon expectations of this genre.
This shows a good attention to detail – ‘Pebble never went downstairs, ever since he had that fright with the neighbour’s pet snake.’ but there are still some inconsistencies in your expression.
Targets:
1) Look at your first paragraph – where should the commas be? Why? (Additionally, is the ‘on’ in the second sentence needed – what difference would this make to the flow?)
2) Why did you write your piece in third person (he, she, they)? Try to write two paragraphs of this in third person and focus on the development of descriptions involving senses. Show me the results – I think you will be presently surprised.
April 16, 2015 at 6:27 pm
Sorry sir i am not entirely sure what to do for the second target. Do i write in a tense other than third person or?
April 20, 2015 at 8:50 pm
Anas,
Again, as promised, here’s your feedback.
1) You will have to check with Mr North whether or not you should write some of this in the first or third person. Either way, what’s lacking is the impression of the environment and how the characters may feel in each moment. Going through the five sense is a great way to achieve this.
2) I can see your attempts to create tension by keeping information from the reader and making us guess what’s happening. Unfortunately at the moment, it means that the piece might be a little bit dry. If it is scary, then at least share some of the scary bits. They will probably be the most interesting in terms of description, too.
3) Focus on the details – does ‘unknown green residue’ convey the message you want it to, or could it be something more? Bring the piece to life by bringing the things in it to life.
Good luck!